My Fear....

It's been a minute since I actually made time to share my thoughts with you guys....I'm kind of nervous. So much has happened in my life since the last time I blogged...some good, some not so good. As I've said before, writing is my therapy so here goes...

I have a fear of leaving this Earth too soon. I know for a fact that there are so many things in my life that just aren't right. There are so many things I haven't done, goals I haven't accomplished, true love I have't found, true undeniable happiness I haven't felt. Then there are so many questions in my head...Have I made a difference in at least one person's life? How will people remember me? Honestly, I try my best to tell people in my life how I truly feel about them because once you're gone that's it...no coming back. People always say "tomorrow isn't promised" but why don't we live like that? Why do we put off doing things and sharing our true feelings? Simple, because we assume we have time. When someone dies, especially someone that you know or someone who's close to you in age, it sort of makes you put things in perspective. Makes you realize that life is too short to continuously put things off, but how long does the way of thinking last? A week, maybe a month? Do you really make those changes that you've vowed to make or do you go on with life just as nothing has happened?  Am I making a conscious effort to change? Of course. Is it hard for me to make certain changes? Hell yes!

This past week has been very stressful for me. I've been going through a lot and so have my friends and when my friends hurt, I hurt. I don't easily trust people and it's not easy for me to let new people in my life but once your in, your in. I will do anything for my friends and family and that's one thing that I pray that they will always remember about me. I try my best to tell my friends and my family that I love them and care about them on a regular basis...I never want them to wonder. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't always like that but one of the things that I'm working on with self is learning how to express how I feel and show my emotions. In the past I was very afraid to show my emotions because it made me feel vulnerable and I thought it made me appear weak. But I had to realize that it doesn't matter if people perceive me as being weak, as long as the close people in my life know me for the strong woman that I am, then it doesn't really matter. I know that not everyone will have these great loving happy memories of me but I try my best to leave a lasting positive impression on every person that I meet and every person that comes in my life. As my good friend would say "You want people at your funeral to remember you for more than wearing fly jeans and buying shots of Patron. Cause half the folks who got down with you will only be talking about your "potential."

Before I get all emotional, I'm going to make it quick and simple and end this post by saying this...our time on this Earth is temporary. Live each day of your life like it's your last and strive each day to be a better person. I'm not just saying this to say it...I mean it. Tell people how you truly feel while they are alive because once they are gone they can't hear the cries or the feel the emotions. Don't wait until it's too late.

Until next time.....

The Pretty Dark Skinned Chick, huh...You Can't Do Better Than That? *Side Eyes*

In the last couple of weeks I have been hearing more and more people speak on the issue of the "color complex" that is still very prevalent in the African American community. This is a topic that is very dear to my heart because I know all too well what it feels like to be singled out for being the "dark skinned girl." You see, people feel like they are doing me a favor by calling me the "pretty dark skinned girl" but they really have no idea how ignorant they sound. And I absolutely hate when people describe a person to me by saying.."she's really pretty...she's light skinned with light eyes.." Ummm since when does that equal pretty? Just asking. True story...I went out to a club a couple of weeks ago and a random young man(he was of the lighter skintone...lol)just felt it necessary to come up to me and say "you are a beautiful brown skin girl..." The crazy part about is that he wasn't even trying to talk to me...he just said that and walked off! *blank stare* I was so confused but to be honest that wasn't the first time that has happened to me. I personally think the shit is sad. Am I supposed to be flattered? Thanks but no thanks. I know we are not the only race that deals this issue...this can been seen in other cultures as well, but right now I'm talking about my personal experience within my own race.

A few years ago I a read book entitled Color Complex and it really opened my eyes to how we as a people, sometimes view each other. One particular man (described as being "very dark skinned")displayed in this book would actually date light-skin damn near white women, but he would get angry at the fact that they were lighter than him. He would actually beat these women and marvle at the different colors of the bruises on their body. Sick, huh? In the eyes of many, the lighter the skin the prettier the person which is an awful way to think. But of course we know that this goes back to slavery days where the dark skinned slaves worked in the field while the "house negroes" were more often lighter skintone. And even after that we had the "brown paper bag test". For those of you are unaware of the "brown paper bag" test was a ritual that was performed that decided whether or not you were accepted into certain fraternities and sororities. If you were darker than the paper bag you would not be accepted. Remember the movie School Daze?  The Wannabees and the Jigaboos...Intersting, huh? I know but it's real.

 Gabrielle Union did an interview with Global Grind awhile ago and she touched on her insecurities as a dark skinned black woman. She talked about being dumped in high school for the light skinned girl and feeling a sense a fear whenever a light skinned woman would walk into the room. Whew...That's deep! But that just goes to show you that no matter the amount of money a person may have they are still human and EVERYONE, whether they say it or not, has insecurities. I know I do! But I can honestly say that I embrace who I am and I have never felt inferior to anyone because they were white, red, yellow, green...well, you get the picture. Anyone that knows me knows that I think that Nia Long is gorgeous and but so is Lauren London. But that's the beauty of it...we come in so many different beautiful shades and colors...how could you not embrace them all?? Of course, people are entitled to like what they like and everyone has a different idea of what they view as being attractive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! My problem is the seperation of our race and the judgment that is placed based on skin color and the ignorance that goes along with that. Come on people it's 2010...really? Are we really still on this? Let's get it together and do better!

I could go on and on about the subject but I'll get off my soapbox for now!

Peace and Blessings

Until Next Time....

Gabby/Dwayne/Siohvaughn...Who's to Blame?

So what do we think about this Gabby Union/Dwayne Wade/Siohvaughn Wade fiasco? Personally, I don't know how I feel about the situation...I'm torn. Now, on one hand I fault Gabby because she knew Dwayne Wade was married when she started dealing with him. I don't care if they were in the process of getting a divorce, nothing had been finalized which means he was still legally married. So, does that make Gabby a homewrecker? Could the Wade's have maybe tried to work it out if she wasn't in the picture? Maybe, maybe not. But here's my issue...why is Siohvaughn upset with Gabby? Ok, besides the fact that she is now dating her husband...the father of her children..her childhood sweetheart..yea we understand those are the obvious reasons. But that's my point exactly! He was the one that stood before the Lord and made a vow to cherish her forever, he was the one that told her he loved her, he was the one that was in the marriage with her. She should be MAD AS HELL with her HUSBAND. Now, I'm not mad at her for suing Gabby if that's how she feels like she's going to get her revenge, but come on...50 grand? That's like pennies for Gabrielle Union so at the end of the day, after going through all of this, Gabby will still be with Dwayne and Siohvaughn...well, not so much. So basically what's the point? And what about the kids? I'm a strong believer that when there are kids involved you should try to remain as civil as possible. Your kids should be the main focus and of course getting the best divorce settlement that you can possibly get....to care of your children of course! But instead she has the babies suing their father? Really? Claiming that Gabby's acts of sexual seduction with Dwayne in front of the kids caused emotional distress. Ummm hmmm. That's all I'm going to say about that...BUT it sounds like that has their mommy's name written all over it.

I can only imagine the hurt and pain that Siohvaughn Wade is feeling right now. Just think about it...you've been with a man for most of your life and this is how it ends? You were with him when no one even knew his name. You believed in this man when no one else believed in him. Hell, her mother even allowed Dwayne to stay in her home his senior year in high school when he was having problems in his household. Now I understand that you might grow apart from someone but was that the reason for their breakup? Or was it because Dwayne got caught up in the hype of a NBA star and forgot about the person that was with him threw it all? What do you think? Definitely could've been a little bit of both. Dwayne said this in an interview that he did a few years ago... "My wife and son are invaluable to me. She inspires me, and our marriage has helped me mature and be responsible." What happened Dwayne???

The lesson for today ladies and gentleman: Never forget those that were there for you in the very beginning. Don't get caught up in the hype.

Until next time....

Twitter and Facebook 101: Don't Allow Them Ruin Your Relationship

Nikki: "So, who was that chick that wrote on your wall yesterday??"

Keith: "Girl, what are you talkin' bout? Didn't nobody post nothin' on my wall?"

Nikki: "You lyin'!! I check your page everyday! You must've erased it then!"

Keith: "Ohhhh...you talkin bout Erica! We went to high school together!"

Nikki: "There you go lyin' again! I checked her page too..she went to Hoover and your ass went to Ramsay...now how you explain that?"

Keith: "Huh?"

Nikki: "Huh my ass! Get ya sh!$ and get out!"

Now how many of you have either taken part in a conversation much like the one above or you know someone that has? Yea, that's what I thought. (lol) Ladies and gentleman STOP stalking via the internet...it's not cool. First of all, understand that some people do and say things just for the simple fact that they know you're watching. They give you exactly what you're looking for even though in reality it's really NOTHING! It amazes me how people sit on facebook and twitter all day and try to "put the pieces together" or find out who their boyfriend/girlfriend is communicating with. Why? No, really what's the purpose? More than likely you're not going to find out, you're just going to drive yourself insane. And like I said before, if they know you're stalking them they will most definitely take it to the 100th power(i.e. status updates, random tweets, wall postings, etc.) Don't become a victim to the foolishness!

 Lord knows I've checked a page or two myself...don't judge me! (lol) But you know what? When I realized what I was doing I felt like a damn idiot....I mean I seriously had to shake my head at myself. Honestly, the fact that "social networking" sites are ruining relationships is absurd. True, the internet gives people access to anything and everything but it's up to you what you share with the public. If you don't want your personal business exposed then stop putting it out there. I promise you will see a drastic change in your relationship if you stop looking for stuff and just enjoy being in your relationship. Trust me when I tell you, if your mate is doing something behind your back you don't even have to search and play detective....it will come to you. I know from first hand experience. So, I challenge you to make some changes today. If you feel tempted to check his/her twitter or facebook page....DEACTIVATE. (lol) Seriously, don't give in to the urge, it's pointless.

No need for this blog post to be long...you get the point!

Until Next Time......

*Oh, and the names used in the dialogue above were fictional!

My Heart Or My Mind?? Which One is Right??

The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand.
-- Robert Valett

Ahh yes, that great struggle between your heart and mind...don't you love it? Ok, maybe not! If you're anything like me you try your hardest to go against your heart because you know that your mind just might be telling you the right the things to do. But is it that really the case? Of course your mind, in most cases, is going to make the logical decision but when did love become logical? Is it safe to listen to your mind over your heart when it comes to love? Are you taking a gamble by going against your heart? A lot of questions, huh? I can't help it, I'm inquisitive. But here's my opinion....I think it's hard to go against what you're heart really wants. For me, it's really difficult because while my mind is saying "Are you really going to go through with that? You're an idiot!" my heart is saying "Awww...it's ok honey!! What's a life that has never experienced love?" Yea yea yea...blah blah blah. But the hardest thing to deal with is when you listen to your heart and you end up going through that phase of regret. But should we really regret any decision that we make when it comes to love? How will we ever find love if we never put ourselves out there? Of course you're taking a risk but isn't that a part of being in love? I'm just asking! This battle between heart and mind is intense! These are all valid questions that you should ask yourself.

I struggle with putting up a front to hide what I'm truly feeling, but you have to be careful when doing this...it can get you in BIG trouble. One truism in life my friend, you can only lie to yourself for so long when the heart is involved. When you see that person and you start feeling the "butterflies in your stomach" and your heart starts beating at a rapid pace....everything that you have told yourself in your mind goes completely out the window! It almost as if at that moment your heart whispers, "Gotcha!" What to do?!! Do you forget about what you've chanted in your head a thousand times or do you go with your heart? I guess that's a decision we all have to make for ourselves. I just don't believe that there is a straightforward, right or wrong answer when it comes to love and relationships. The shit just doesn't make sense sometimes, that is the frustrating part. But the one thing I will tell you is that sometimes you have to step back and stop trying to control the situation. A very close friend of mine once told me "you can't hide from love forever.." and she was so right. You can tell yourself all day that you need to let go of a situation but until your heart catches up with your mind you can forget about it.
 
I said all that you to say this.... there will always be a battle between your heart and mind. It is totally up to you when it comes to deciding which one to follow. However, what you keep telling yourself in your mind might seem like the right thing to do, but what seems right might not always be right....remember that. When making decisions about love and relationships you have to be real with yourself first and foremost, that's the key. Don't allow your stubbornness to leave you lonely and thinking "what if.." Trust me when I tell you...that's not a good feeling. Basically, just do what makes you happy and you'll never have any regrets!

Until next time....

New Day...New Me

It's been a minute since I blogged and to tell you the truth....I missed it! So much has happened in the last past month and guess what? I couldn't wait to share it with you all! Where do I begin? Well, for starters, I finally decided to let go of that hell hole I called a job...Ughhhhh! I mean, it was really going to be the death of me. Have you ever just hated something so much that you became sick everytime you thought about it? I have and it's no fun. I had to really do some soul searching and decide which was better....a paycheck or my sanity. Both would be great, but if I could only choose one I will take my sanity for $500 Alex. Seriously, I know some people might think I'm crazy, but I care not. I know, I know...who quits their job these days? I'll tell you who...ME. As long I have faith in God and a little money stashed away, I'll be ok. No worries.

On another note I'm experiencing "being in like" for the first time in a very long time and I'm lovin it. He makes me laugh and smile and these days that means a lot to me. I'm not concerned with titles right now, all I know is I like the person that I am when I talk to him and when I'm around him...what more can I ask for? I know some of my past posts have been kind of depressing and hopeless(don't judge me..) but I was in that state of mind. As I said before, life is a journey and I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. That's why I started this blog, to watch how my life evolves, how I evolve. Now, if I can help someone else in the process that might be going through the same thing then so be it, helping others is cool with me! Anyway, I finally realized that when you let go and stop trying to take control, everything will fall into place. What's for me is for me and what is supposed to happen will happen....no more, no less. See, what I had to realize is their is no formula to life. We can't try analyze everything and predict the final result. Not going to happen. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, thinking too much about certain situations can really put a damper on life. Geesh! LIVE for God's sake. Take some risks...who knows? that risk might lead you to what you've been searching for all along.

My advice to anyone reading this is to get out of your confort zone. Nothing is going to happen for you if keep doing the same thing over and over again no matter how miserable it makes you feel. That also goes for the people in your life. If you know that certain individuals have no purpose in your life or they mean you no good...kick them out of your life! Hey, it's your life...you can do what you want to do!

BE FREE TO LIVE AND LOVE!

Until next time....

Who Am I? Let Me Tell You.....

So lately I've been realizing that a lot of people just don't "get me". I mean, my real friends that have been around me for years, yea....but just the Average Joe...not so much. I'm not a complex person(well, I don't think so..lol) I just look at things a little different than everyone else. But, it hurts my feelings when individuals tell me that I come off as a snob or like I have an attitude. I immediately become defensive because I know that's not who I am...not at all! No, I might not say much at first but that's because I like to observe people. Hell, I'm observant! In this world that we live in I almost feel as if I have to be. There are some shady people out here and I try to avoid them at all costs. I'm the nicest person you will ever meet, but when I sense a person is on bullshit, there credibililty immediately goes down the drain. People will take your kindness for a weakness, I know all too well. At one point, I started thinking "hmmm...maybe I'm too nice." But, that's just me. There are some things that I'm not willing to change.

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a very sarcastic person. Some people take offense to this but I promise I don't mean any harm. I personally think sarcastic people are hilarious! I just say things sometimes to get people to use their brains. If you can't decipher sarcasm then something is definitely not right up there. But on the other hand, sometimes I use sarcasm to hide what I'm truly feeling. I know, it sounds weird, but it's the truth. Sometimes, if I feel like someone is getting too close or a situation is getting too serious and I can't handle it, I become very sarcastic. To the point where I become a smart ass. It's sad but dammit that's my way of defusing a situation. Don't judge me!

I'm just a simple chick trying to make it. On the real, sometimes I just want to become a recluse...hide away from the world for awhile...away from all the foolishness. Have you ever just thought, "why can't everyone think like me? The world would be a much better place!" Yea right. I can't help it! Sometimes I just get fed up with the bullshit...like forreal. It just amazes me how everything can be going so smoothly and then POW! Everything just blows up in your face. But through it all I have to keep my game face on...it's almost as if it's a sin if I show any emotion. Who said I was hard? Not me! People just assume that about me. No, that's not it all. I just don't put my feelings out there all the time. I've never been a really emotional person. In fact, my mother used to say that I didn't have an emotional bone in my body...go figure. I mean, if I cried about everything that went wrong in my life I would be crying a river...I'm just saying. That's just not me, makes me feel weak. What can I say? I'm a work in progress.

I just get so tired of people judging me when they don't really know me so I decided to TRY to explain a little about myself. We're all human, no one is perfect. I've learned to accept the fact that there are a few things that I need to work on but for the part I am who I am. If you don't like it to hell with you. I can't please everyone and I stopped trying a long time ago. To know me is to love me and that's real. I wasn't put on this Earth to please everyone. Actually, I haven't found my purpose yet.  But when I do, you all will be the first to know.

Until next time.....

Brokenhearted...

On this rainy Sunday morning at 1:02am, I am experiencing how it feels to have a broken heart. My heart is broken because I finally realized that the person that I loved never really loved me. And of course, I blame myself for dealing with the bs for so long and making excuses for him and the dumb things that he said and did. I had myself believing that I couldn't be happy with anyone if that person wasn't him. And the sad part is the fact that I know my self-worth...I know I'm a beautiful person inside and out....I know I deserve all the happiness that my heart can hold BUT love is an interesting thing. It will have you doing and saying things that are totally out of character. Trust me...I know. I tried to walk away so many times...each time I stayed away a little longer than the time before. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you stay away for a year, if your not completely over the situation in your heart, time doesn't matter. But what I can't understand is if you know you don't love a person and you can't give them what they want or need, why continue to place yourself in their life? That's the part that really upsets me. In my world where humans reside, it is not ok to tell a person that you don't want a relationship but you still want some of the benefits of being in a relationship. Really? When did this become acceptable? But that goes back to a post I did awhile back regarding women making it to easy for men when it comes to relationships.

My mother always told me that love isn't always easy, sometimes it takes putting up a fight if it's someone that you really want and I believe that. But you know what, you also have to know when to throw in the towel. You have to know when to say "I tried but enough is enough". Never love someone so much that you lose site of self in the process. I've said this so many times but I feel it's necessary to say it again....Love is an action. If you choose to say to someone "I love you" please be ready to put some action behind those words. If you know you can't, don't say those words until you know deep down in your heart that is truly how you feel and you are ready to show and prove each day that God gives you life. Some people don't realize the value that those three little words hold. You must admit, when that special someone utters those three words, a feeling comes over you that is undescribable. But when that person continues to say those words but their actions are the complete opposite, that's a feeling that I would't wish on my worst enemy.

The one thing that makes me happy about this entire situation is the fact that I know it wasn't in vain. I know that God would never take me through something that He didn't think I could handle. Every situation that has ever caused me hurt or pain has always made me a stronger person. In everything that I go through I learn from it and the knowledge that I gain is priceless. So, to anyone that may be going through a similiar situation or anyone that is going through a tough time, know that what you thought you lost is nothing compared to what God has in store for you...and it's right around the corner. Just be patient......

Thanks for listening....Goodnight.

"I Think I Love Him...Oh Nevermind...He's White" Part I

Lately I've been having some heated discussions regarding interracial dating. This topic is very interesting to me and can often be viewed as controversial. Everyone has their reason(s) as to why black and white people people should not race mix when it comes to relationships. Let's look deeper into the reason as to why we shouldn't. Is it because society says it's not "right"? Or is it because you feel that you will be perceived as a traitor who has turned his/her back on your own people? Or is it because you have been told my your peers that you couldn't possibly have anything in common with "them"?  These are just a few of the thoughts that I believe have crossed the mind of almost every black person that has ever considered dating a white person. However, I've had some people tell me that they have no problem with interracial dating but the buck stops there...no marriage, no kids. Huh? If that's the case why even date? I mean, what if you decide that you really like this person? What would you tell him/her? "I like you and you're cool but I can't get too involved because you're white..." Ok...moving on....

 Let me ask you this....have you ever wondered why you see more black men with white women and less black women with white men?  Everyone has their theory on why this happens...it could be because white women are thought to be more passive or it could be the fact that some black men have a "color complex" and often times light skinned black women just aren't light enough. Or what about this one...."black women have never supported me" I could go on and on but I have my own theory and it's quite simple. Black men don't analyze shit the way we do...simple as that. A woman is a woman....Black, Latino, Asian, etc. Whatever! Now, I'm not saying that all brothas think like this but I have come in contact with far too many that do. So, here's my question...why do we("we" meaning black women) limit ourselves on the possibility of finding love because we are afraid of how we might be perceived by society. Now, wait a minute, don't get your panties in a wad..(lol) Some women just aren't attracted to white men and they feel they have nothing in common...they still have hopes of finding their strong, black man that they feel was created for just for them and they don't intend on giving up until they find him...that's what's up! Ok, so does that mean that we should stop complaining that we're single? I'm just wondering if we thought outside the box for a minute and explored other options, would more of us be married? But then again, I don't care if he's black, white, red or yellow....ignorance is universal and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I'm just saying....

This is a subject that I could talk about for days but I'll leave you with this....I personally have thought about dating outside my race but that doesn't mean that I don't have a deep love for my brothas( a VERY deep love) lol. I'm just saying that maybe it's time for me to start thinking outside the box and exploring other options but that's a BIG HUGE MAYBE! lol. But I would never judge someone because they found love and it just happened to be someone of the opposite race. I support finding true love...point blank period.

To be continued....

Oh and please share your thoughts on this subject! I'm interested to hear how you all feel about this....

No Resolutions...Just a Few Changes

10 Things I Challenge You to Do in 2010....

1. Be True to Yourself!.....Dont Be a Pretender, It's Not a Good Look.

2. Love Yourself!.......If You Don't Then Who Will?

3. Say "I Love You" to at least one Person per Day.......Spreading Love Heals the Heart!

4. Give off Positive Energy.......What You Give is What You Receive!

5. Take Care of Your Body....Your Body is Your Temple, Don't Abuse It.

6. Leave the Words "Can't" and "But" Out of Your Vocabulary...WINNERS Don't Use These Words!

7. Give Back.....Your Community Needs You.

8. Find Your Passion in Life.....Now You're On the Right Path To Knowing Your Purpose.

9. Travel to Places You've Never Been.....Thank me Later!

and lastly.... the  MOST IMPORTANT of them all...

10. PRAY and MEDITATE!....This Leads to Peace and Peace Leads To HAPPINESS

I don't have any resolutions this year but there are a few things I am taking the necessary steps to change. The 10 things that you read above are things that I am challenging myself to do in my own personal life and I challenge you to do the same.

Happy New Year!

Until Next Time...